Software Vault: The Gold Collection/Software Vault - The Gold Collection (American Databankers) (1993).ISO/cdr14/misc_hmr.zip/TOMATO.HMR

Text File | 1993-04-01 | 21KB | 442 lines

From tamsun!cs.utexas.edu!qt.cs.utexas.edu!yale.edu!jvnc.net!netnews.upenn.edu!eniac.seas.upenn.edu!stella Fri Feb  7 12:56:31 CST 1992
Article: 15374 of rec.humor
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From: [e-mail] (RICHH)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: RICHH:  ATTACK OF THE KILLER VIRGIN TOMATOES
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Date: 21 Jan 92 20:47:55 GMT
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You know how this works.


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                           "FIRST"

"Can I have a <piece?>sip?"

"Sure."

Michael sampled a few drops of the foul-tasting diet softdrink,
basking in the beauty of the cute blond freshman from whom he had
bummed the sip. He and Steve had come <together, only a few minutes
before, wrapped in the sweaty envelope of their own maleness> a few
minutes late into the numerical analysis lecture and Michael
picked<his nose> the two seats near the back only because of the
cute babe<chick, skirt, bird? whatever it is you bimbos call
yourselves in these politically-correct times> with the soda.

"Thanks," he said handing the can back.

"No problem," she smiled back<and then very conspicuously wiped off
where the can had touched his lips>.  She had perfect white teeth
Michael noticed<their perfection only enhanced by her braces>.
Without the glasses she'd be a model<prisoner>.

Michael took out his <MAMMOTH COCK?!>clipboard<oh, don't make me
wait for it, you big tease> and started copying the first two
boards of linear programming equations.  The blond glanced at the
paper he was writing on and noticed that the subject, lecture
number, date, and topic headings were pre-printed on the otherwise
blank graph paper. His handwriting was fast but neat and he used a
template to draw colorful diagrams<like an idiot>.

"Another nerd," Karen sighed disappointedly<excellent adverb that>.
"Too bad;<no semicolon needed> he had the body<of a TB victim> for
it," she thought to herself<since, she'd learned long ago, thinking
to someone else was just plain stupid>.  Karen had just broken up<a
cookie into the hair of the girl in front of her, laughing
maniacally and disrupting class> with her third boyfriend in as
many <decades>months.  The guys up north were either drunk frat
boys<oooh, what a burn> or boring nerds<"But all we nerds ever
think about is sex.">.  The obnoxious yankee sitting next to
her<George Steinbrenner?  Billy Martin??  Don Mattingly??> was
cute<not Steinbrenner then> but didn't even have the time to notice
her<not Martin then.  Mattingly it is!>.

As soon as the bell sounded for the break, a pandemonium of folding
desks and babbling voices erupted<as pandemoniums are wont to do>,
drowning out the end of the professor<'s> lecture.

"You a computer person?" Michael asked the cute blond
alluringly<Oh, I'm just SO sure.>.

"Not hardly; I'm a civil engineering major<"Aw heck, I'm just a
girl, you silly-billy.>," Karen told the obnoxious yankee.  "What
about y'all?<Nailed that accent.  The kid is good. DAMN GOOD.>"
"Biomed," he replied gazing into <the vacant hollows that were>her
blue eyes.  The pupils weren't round<but rather trapezoidal>; She
had weird eyes, he thought<Charlie manson eyes?  Marty Feldman?>.
The pupils dilated as she <slipped into a coma>looked at him and
Michael's heart skipped a beat<Oh dat crazy beat of love>.  He had
just read in "Popular Psychology" that pupil dilation meant
physical attraction<or, as he'd learned from his extensive biomed
training, one of the first signs of shock.  He found some blankets
and then panicked, boiling water and tearing up sheets like a
dolt>.  Here was his chance to lose his <chance of getting into one
of the better med schools>virginity.

"Thanks for the soda.  You busy for <the rest of your life,
honey?>dinner?"  he asked matter-of-factly.

"Um, er... no," she stammered<Heck, what girl wouldn't stammer from
the overwhelming sexual power of the COLLEGE VIRGIN??!!>.  His
question took her completely <as she'd predicted>by surprise. "I
live up the hill<in the old Bates Motel> and usually take my
supper<from a bowl marked "Girl"> at the Jenson Commons."

"Great accent," Michael thought<marvelling at his own mastery of
dialect>.  "'take my supper'  Ha!<DAMN GOOD>"  She sounds like a
<poorly-drawn caricature of reality?> dixie bell<ah.  of course>.
I wonder if she had a debut<pronounced "dee-butt"> and lives on a
big plantation at home<and if her grandparents owned slaves and if
she had fantasies of an uppity nigra exacting his revenge upon her,
JUST LIKE ME??!!>.

"Jenson's food must be better than Leutner's on north campus<roots
his story in reality.  No points off.>.  Hows about I pick <my nose
again and then pick> you up for an early dinner and then we catch
the movie at the film club?  It's a gonna be a <pasty?> great
film,"  he rambled<oh the self-deprecation.  You know what that
does to me, you big galoot.>.

"Well, I don't rightly know<Oh the humanity!>.  We were never
introduced," she said slowly.

"Come on<my fist, BA-BEE.  I'll make you a WOMAN!>.  You can bring
your roommates and friends.  It'll be <an orgy of Dionysian
proportions> fun," he assured her.

"Well I suppose..."

"Great.  Where do you live?" he asked.

"Well I do declare!<Um, check please. Yes, we're through.  I said,
'CHECK PLEASE!'>  I don't even know <the depths to which you'll
sink> your name."

"Michael Wilson, from Philadelphia<A homey. From Philly?!  My man!>
Pleased to meet you."  Michael offered his <boogie-filled>
hand<kerchief, as is the southern custom>. "Karen Lou-anne
Hammaker<Heck, her name's almost as believable as mine!  Well, I do
declare...>.  Pleased to meet you, Mr. Wilson," she said regaining
some composure.

"Please call me Michael<and call me...ANYTIME!  DAMN GOOD!>," he
said smiling broadly<like an encephalic>.  "Where should I pick<my
nose?> you up?"

"I live in the Morely dormitory.  I can meet you in the lounge
there at 6:30.  Will that be all right?<+5 points for not saying
'alright'>"

"That's<I'm> a little late<so I have to see my ob-gyn at 4>.  The
film starts at 6:30.  What about 5:30?  Is that too early?"

"No.  5:30 will be fine."

The word sounded like <"Canandaigua"?>"fahn" when she spoke it<and
he pitied her her speech impediment>.  Michael couldn't help
smiling broadly at <the shiny thing that so delighted him>her
beguiling southern accent.

The film was an excellent Swedish adventure story called <"Big
Nordic Girls in Chains">"Man on the Roof," and had short slices
of<pepperoni, and ham, and sausage, and> Swedish life including
some steamy sex<OH BOY!!!!!>.  Michael took her hand<and put it
between his legs.  "FEEL MY DESIRE, BA-BEE!"> at the beginning of
the film and massaged her <cervix>fingers and <spleen>palms ever-
so-lightly<oh, just ever-so>.  By the time the film was over she
was very <annoyed>wet.

"Come on, I'll walk you home," he said as the lights came <he
pulled his fly> up.

"Thank you."

They held <up a liquor store>hands during the walk and talked about
school, professors and the <pasty>film<that fills you're mouth and
you awake with the worst breath of the day.>.  When she unlocked
the dormitory door, he came inside <in a brilliant foreshadowing of
the events of the next hour>with her and followed her wordlessly
<Thank God for small favors, she would later say, in a different
context>up the stairs to the suite<:Judy Blue Eyes>she shared with
four other girls<OH YEAH!>.

No one was in the common living room when they arrived and they
went into her tiny <pink canal of love?>bedroom.  Karen closed the
door and gestured for Michael to sit on the tiny bed<Well, that's
how *he* interpreted her outstretched middle finger at least>.  She
sat next to him and without a word they embraced and started
necking<??!!  SOON, HE KNEW, THEY'D *PADIDDLE*!!>.
Michael had problems<that years of therapy hadn't been able to
resolve> breathing when he was <underwater>kissing a girl.  Though
he had had a lot of practice petting<animals at the zoo> and
necking<but his little brother didn't count, did he??>, he could
never get his breathing right<he tapped his finger on the oxygen
gauge but nope, still not right>.  He somehow couldn't breathe
through his <ever-runny> nose properly, and didn't want to exhale
in the girl's mouth<for fear she'd EXPLODE!>.  It made him nervous
and he took uneven, raspy breaths<much like Charlie Manson did just
before he murdered Sharon Tate.>.

"Relax," Karen told him <and shoved an inhaler of poppers up under
his nose. But, since he was a mouth-breather, they had no effect>.

Michael pushed her down onto the bed<pulled out a knife and said,
"Party time, Sweetness!">, kicked off his shoes<and sat right down,
loosened up his pretty French gown> and climbed up<the fire escape,
eager to continue his night of bloodletting> next to her, after
which they resumed the necking<soon they would VO DEE OH DOE DOE!>;
he concentrated on breathing regularly through his nose<yechh>.
Soon his hand wandered down<Thing-like, to the floor below> to her
blouse, roughly massaging her breasts<stopping, doofus-like, to
plant numerous light karate-chops all over them creamy twin
hillocks>.  Then he put his hand on her jeans and started<rifling
through her pockets> <watch this next bit:>boisterously massaging
her vagina<HOLY SWEET JESUS, did he say what I think he said?>.
Karen had no objections<your Honor> and <the cross-examination>
continued their hot french kissing<if you say so>.  His
<sandpaper>touch was quite rough<"Damn," he thought, "next time
bring Fine.  Nay, Extra Fine!"> and he was applying too much
<vaseline.  To her eyebrows??!!> pressure, but she had gone through
worse<Lotsa virgins out there, she thought. Why me?!>  Sensing no
resistance<from behind?!>, Michael started to un-button her jeans.

"Do you really want to do this?" she asked him <praying he'd
chicken out>earnestly.

"Yes," he said seriously<and her heart sank>.

"No regrets?" she asked.

<"Yeah, I've had a few, I've travelled each, and every bi-way.  But
more, much more than this, I did it my way."  "Shut up," she
begged, a finger in each ear.>

"Of course not."

She started undressing quickly and efficiently<thinking, oh God,
let it be over soon.>  He had to hurry to catch up with her.
Before climbing under the covers he noticed her creamy white skin
and red pubic hairs<Odd, he thought, for a blonde girl>.

Michael had never been in bed naked with a <nother doofus> girl
before and didn't really know how to begin.  He had often
fantasized about sex, of course and was determined to try
cunnulingus before mounting<Jesus Christ, is everyone Alan
Buttfucking Alda?!  Note here:  this never ever happens.>.  After
roughly and inadeptly<adverb police, um> massaging her erect
<penis?!> nipples and very wet <blowhole?>vagina, he slid down the
<fire pole>bed and started licking the <Dalmatian they kept at the
station.  Spark they called him> opening of her vagina.  The taste
made him nauseous<nauseated.  He's already nauseous.> and he almost
threw up<his hands in exasperation> his dinner<nice.  real nice.>.
He did not stop, however<no, they never do, do they?>, determined
to do it right<which they never ever do>.  Every few seconds he
searched for her clitoris with <a map and compass> his tongue but
couldn't find it<oh you> and went back to licking the opening of
her vagina and vulva just above it<eventually spending a half hour
at her navel.  A perfect innee, he noted, as she snored>.

Smiling <Disgusted>at<with> his eager <all-too-typical>ineptidude<a
typo, true, but a damned cool word, and perfectly apt, too.>, Karen
finally pulled his face up to hers<leaving a bloody trail across
her belly> and kissed him long and <pointlessly> passionately.  She
positioned his body<in front of a bulls-eye and pulled an arrow
from her quiver, notched it, and drew> on top of hers and spread
her legs<obscenely> in missionary <an awkward>position.  Michael
had no idea how to orient himself<in zero gravity.  But heck, who
really does?> to enter her dripping cunt.  He lay on top of her
patiently waiting for <it all to end> her to get his cock inside
her<getting discouraged as she picked up a novel and began to
read>.  She had to do all the <pretending.  DAMN THESE SOCIETALLY-
ASSIGNED SEX ROLES, she thought, and could feel her consciousness
rising like so much yeasty bread> maneuvering with his weight
clumsily on top of her.  She finally <called it a night> settled
his cock into her cunt and thrust her hips up <in despair>
<a>rhythmically.  Michael picked up the <pieces of his shattered
life> rhythm after a few strokes, but got carried away and his
<absurdly-small>penis came out.  He helped her get it back in and
started pumping<YOU UP!> again.  After a few minutes of fervent
rutting, his cock came out again<DAMN SMALL!>.  He was getting
better at finding her cunt<You could hardly miss it, he thought,
gaping, hellish maw that it was> and got it back in himself.

Soon after he put his penis back into her cunt he was again
delightedly pumping fast and hard<Okay>.  Before long, Karen
was<nodding off?> moaning in orgasmic ecstacy<DAMN GOOD!>.  Michael
hardly noticed<"Who cares?" he thought, laughing boisterously> and
couldn't believe at first that she had climaxed<Probably because
she clearly hadn't>.  He slowed<showed> his <lack of>rhythm <by
humming an old Big Band tune>.

"Are you through<YET!>?" he asked <doing a killer Steve
Martin>innocently.

"Yeah," she said, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him
closer<Glutton for punishment, eh?>.  Now that she was
concentrating solely on keeping his cock inside her<which, given
his obvious shortcomings, was no mean feat.>, Michael's
inexperienced thrusting was easier for her to <ignore>control.  In
a few minutes, he was ejaculating, grunting <ape-like>softly as his
cock spat hot <invectives>semen deep<well, define "deep"> into her
vagina.

"Do you want to try again?" he asked shyly. <since I fucked up so
badly the first time?>

"I suppose," she said<drifting off>.  She could feel that his
penis<was somehow retreating, like a Sumo wrestler's> was still
hard inside her vagina and it did not feel like it was getting any
softer. She had never made love to anyone as <unskilled>young as
Michael and wondered if all virgins had the staying power<DAMN
GOOD> of this one.

He started pumping<WHUMP!> again slowly, kissing and licking
her<ear, much to her consternation> lips softly. Soon the rhythm,
intensity, and <peer>pressure increased of his coital
plunges<ouch>.  Karen pushed her pubic bone against him hard at
each inward thrust<no doubt>.  In a half hour<Oh, come *on*> she
was moaning again.  This time Michael felt her shudder and the
realization that she was having an orgasm<and the realization, as
he recognized the tsetse fly on his arm, that he had somehow
contracted malaria> made him suddenly very hot.  In ten<count em,
10> quick, forcefull strokes he was exploding again, amplifying<+5
for interesting word choice> Karen's pleasure and prolonging her
orgasm<minus 5 for the lie>.

Karen noticed that Michael was not <now> sweating<profusely
convulsing.  Then she spotted the tell-tale dead tsetse fly and
laughed, thinking, "Hey, you dip the stick, you gotta pay for the
oil."> or even breathing hard, another new experience for her<oh
please>.  Her over-sensitive <and conceited> vagina felt that his
penis was still hard inside her<*NOT*!> and it was a bit
irritating<as was he>;  this time, however, she felt it getting
softer.

"Thank God for small favors" she thought to herself. <And small
peckers, she added, rolling it between her thumb and forefinger.
So small, so rubbery.  How funny it must feel!>

When his penis shrank somewhat<smaller than he'd hoped>, Michael
withdrew<the question and rephrased it, so as not to "lead the
witness"> and carefully rolled <a doob!  Fire it up, man!!> off
her.  He held her close, kissed and cuddled with her a few
minutes<as he'd heard these bimbos liked> before speaking.

"Thanks," he said haltingly.  "If you couldn't tell<and honestly,
how could you?  I, like all virgins, am good, DAMN GOOD!>, that was
my first time<"uh, with a girl," he added, sheepishly>."

"And your second, honey,"  she drawled affectionately<Oh the
humanity!>.
They smiled and talked about grades, engineering core courses,
marriage, numerial<sic> analysis, and the human condition<as one
often does, just after sex>.  At length<albeit a short length>
Michael got bored<of her, of her roommates, of all females, slowly
coming to realize his true nature>.

"Do you want to try again?" he asked <stupidly, as if *she* were
the one who'd failed> timidly.

"My my, Michael, but you are a virtuoso virgin<um...excuse me.>,"
she teased him. "Let's see if you're really up to it."  She reached
down and started rubbing his cock with her <sandpaper>palm.  Her
deft manipulations betrayed her <sluttish nature>experience and
Michael speculated about hand jobs she had given boys in High
School.<and grade school.  and strangers at bus terminals.  and...>

Michael's penis rose to the occasion<A pun!  How precious!> and in
a few minutes he was on top of her again, driving his cock into her
vagina<like a man possessed> hard and hurredly<sic>.  In fact his
<white boy lack of rhythm> and pressure<to succeed> were not very
pleasing to Karen who basically just lay there submissively<like a
good lil' girl>.

"How ya doin?" he asked after a while.<Ugh.>

She pecked a little kiss on his lips and pulled her knees up<until
she almost broke his jaw> to give him deeper penetration.  The new
position and deeper penetration put more pressure on his cock<Oh
the pressure, the pressure, the pain...>.  Each stroke brought him
unconsciously<?!> closer to ejaculation.  Unprepared for the sudden
sensual amplification<???!!!>, Michael suddenly realized he was
about to ejaculate again.

"I'm going to..." he said<"Pee", he added, but too late>.  His cock
spurted hot semen deep into Karen's sore cunt and he grunted
ecstatically.

"Should I go?" he asked groggily a few minutes later.

<"You just went, moron.">

"If you don't, you'll be the ninth guy to sleep here this
semester," she replied brightly<??>.

"You mean I can stay?" he asked enthusiastically.<Man, ah jes'
loves dem adverbs to death.>

"Sure.  Move over and give me some <Seconal> covers."

He woke up the next morning with Karen in his arms and a hard, hot
cock poking at the covers.<But quickly he realized: IT WASN'T HIS!
IT WAS, (gulp), *HERS*!!  AND IT WAS HUUUUGGGEEEE!!!!>  He gently
fondled Karen's breasts, blissfully staring at her beautiful <lacy
underthings; just the kind his mom had never let him wear> face and
long <stringy>sensuous hair.  Still half asleep, Karen blindly
fumbled under the covers and brushed against his huge <hunka hunka>
burning<love> erection.  She befuddedly<!!STOP THE PRESSES!> pulled
him on top of her, and for the fourth time in his life Michael was
joyfully copulating<...with a GIRL!!>.  In five minutes he
exploded<covering the walls and ceiling with...nah>.

"I'm sorry," he said apologetically.  "Are you close<to your
mother? I sure am!>?"

She actually was starting to get aroused<Hmmm>.  She kissed him as
he continued to pump his dick in and out<if only he were *inside*
her>.  However, in a few short minutes<50 seconds each.  Go
figger>, his erection subsided.

"I'm sorry," he said again forlornly<Man, gotta update my
Webster's.  ASAP.>.

"But I enjoyed it, Michael," she said <lying through her perfect
teeth> cheerfully.

"When's your first class?" he asked, changing the subject<Oh
really, hadn't noticed.>.

"Ten o'clock.  Why?"

"I have to be at Strosacker at eight for Logic<I'll say.>.  Come
with me to breakfast?"

"No thanks.  I'd really rather get some more sleep."

Karen smiled affectionately<the adverb man strikes...AGAIN!> and
watched him get dressed.

"I'll call you <Big-butt>," Michael said on his way out.

In fact, he never saw Karen again<OR SHE HIM!!>.  She avoided
him<like the plague that his type are> in classes, and never
returned his calls.  He learned later that she dropped out of
school and went to live in New Orleans<doubt it>.  Eighteen, and
no-longer<um, two words next time.  Trust me.  I'm on *your* side.
Honest.> a virgin, Michael faced the task of finding a girl friend,
or at least a sex partner<bastard>, with a new and pleasant<skewed>
perspective.

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RICHH